Thank you Maten no Miko for the inspiration!
Grove's astral projection happily flies through the canyon, blasting everything in sight, rocks, dirt, barbaroi, probably a mic.
Grove pauses, ignoring the barbaroi that continue to flee. Moths and gnats gather around his glowing image.
Grove: "Shoo! Go away!"
Director: Okay, cut! Who's bright idea was it to film OUTSIDE?
* * * * * *
BONK!
D: ow!
Director: D, could you try looking UP? You keep smacking into the mic.
Leila: Who decided half the cast should be seven feet tall?
Director: Maybe if we did something about that hat. You keep knocking the props over with it.
D: YOU ARE NOT touching my hat!
* * * * * *
Behind the stage:
Leila wanders in and notices D is sitting on a sack of ice
Leila: You're not supposed to bounce when you ride a horse, you know.
D (fanning self with his hat): shut up. The horse isn't the worst part of this movie.
Leila: All black and tons of lighting?
D: No
Leila: Two hours of make up just to get your hair right?
D: No
Leila: Almost getting heat syndrome from indoor lights?
D: No.
Leila: I give up. Tell me
D: I'm the ONLY person here who has to wear high heels! These things are killing me!
* * * * * *
The Markus brothers are chilling in the tank.
Nolt: How about some music?
Borgoff: Dear god, not this again!
Kyle: I hate that crap. Let's listen to classical.
Nolt: Puff daddy does NOT do crap!
Grove: Does too.
Nolt: You shut up! You want to listen to classical?
Grove: Hell, no. That stuff is way too boring!
Kyle: Boring! Look who's talking. You sleep half the day!
Grove: I do not! There's a difference between bed-ridden and acting like a housecat!
Leila: How about that CD I have?
Borgoff: Now you're starting? Look, Weird AL is great but we've heard it a thousand times. Something else!
Nolt: I want to listen to rap!
Kyle: We are not listening to that! I've heard too many songs about people's butts!
Nolt: I'm turning the radio on
Kyle You ARE NOT!
Nolt: You want to make something of it little man?
(sounds of scuffling from the back of the tank)
grove: Hey! Get off! Stop messing with that, it's not a weapon!
Leila: How about KPIG?
Borgoff: You know they don't play good stuff at this time of day.
Grove: How about—?
Borgoff: Okay THAT'S it! Everyone shut up and you two stop fighting or I'm taking my hands off the wheel!
* * * * * *
Benge, injured, skitters up the large metal...uh, thing, fleeing from Borgoff's arrows. Kyle prepares one of his spinning knives.
Kyle: Achoo!
Benge looks around and finds absolutely nothing happened.
Director: Cut! Someone call and ambulance! Marsha, go see if you can find a replacement cameraman.
* * * * * *
The first battle scene. Everyone's pretty much going nuts and having a fun time slicing and skewering vampires. Except for Grove, who's reading a dirty novel he hides under the mattress.
Leila shoots a vampire staggering over to her. It keeps coming
Click!
Director: Cut!
Leila: Sorry, it seems to be empty.
Leila stares at the gun from all angles, hits it and bangs it on the side of the tank
Director: Okay, what now?
Leila: How DO you load this thing?
* * * * * *
Carmilla just finished giving her long-winded speech and is blasting D
D: Uh, one question
Carmilla: Jeez! If this is about how I hold my dress up like this
D: No, Charlotte explained that to me. I was just going to ask about your hair. Is there like a couple thousand bobby pins to hold that on? Does your hair jus fall into the collar of your dress or what? Those are earrings, right?
* * * * * *
Director: Yes I KNOW you're going really fast on the roof of the carriage, Mashira. Put your tongue back in your mouth!
* * * * * *
Meier: ...well, you snore!
Charlotte: Oh yeah? YOU leave the toilet seat up!
Leila, D, and Carmilla just stand there while they continue to argue.
D: ....
Carmilla: MEOW!
Leila: Looks like their relationship really IS just like any other.
Meier: I bothered to get a carriage and everything!
Charlotte: Oh a carriage! How fun! You couldn't get a damn CAR?
D's hand: I say kill 'em both
* * * * * *
D's horse suddenly stops
A message from the horse: An error has occurred. Please restart your equine.
D: What the heck?
Message: Please restart equine.
Later:
Person it took two hours to find backstage: Okay, I think I fixed it
D: What was wrong with it?
Tech person: Well, somehow someone installed Windows.
* * * * * *
D is wandering around in the desert. The hand decides this is a good time to pester him.
Hand: Come on, do it!
D: No
Hand: Just once! No ones looking!
D: I can't sing in that key
Hand: So what? I sing worse than you. Come on! You love that song!
D: If I were skilled at hatred, I'd have split your wolfling heart.
You can't know all the reasons that I've come to take your part...
(Elfquest joke)
* * * * * *
Charlotte steps out of the carriage and the door swings closed.
Charlotte takes a few steps and pauses.
Charlotte: Eww! Horse poop! I knew should have packed some shoes!
* * * * * *
Leila shoves D's hand away and starts getting on the horse. She stops, hearing a blast behind her and turns to see the spaceship taking off.
Leila: Where is he taking her?
D: Away from here.
Leila: ...away... C'mon Fly!
D: Uh, it's a spaceship. It can't hear you. Even if it could it's too far away.
Leila: Shut up.
* * * * * *
Polk's shop.
Polk: Get on you horse str—"
D: AHHHHHH!
Polk: What just happened, D?
D: This damn horse just peed on my leg!
Later:
Polk: —there were ten all together.
Horse tries to eat D's hair. He shoves it away.
Polk: It turned out the kidnappers—
D shoves the horse away, who is yet again trying to eat his hair.
Polk: —were vampires.
Horse takes a bite of D's hat and starts munching on it
D: Give that back! (tries unsuccessfully to pull his hat away as the horse chews on it)
Director: Cut!
Later:
D is standing there, with a drool soaked hat, both hands firmly on the horse.
Director: Okay, stop!
Later:
Sheriff: You hear me dunp—
D: OWW!
Director: Cut!
D: Get OFF my foot! No move your leg! I'm talking to you! Hey, give me my hat back! There, hey, the hair is not edible.
Later:
They finally got through the scene. D is on horseback. He makes a click sound for the horse to go.
Nothing happens
Later:
D is on horseback again. Again he makes the sound. His horse stomps and scratches itself while the horse in the other stable runs off.
Sheriff: Maybe if we tried one of the horses from the carriage?
Director: No, we put these horses in this scene because when we out them on the carriage, they started jumping on the other horses.
* * * * * *
Credits:
Mashira supplied by rent-a-dog