January 14, 1981 - May 24, 1999

This page will remain a memorial to her for as long as this page exists. Please send us (channel@altvampyres.net) anything you would like me to include here. Your feelings, your thoughts, your memories, pictures.

Her Webpage
Mirrored on altvampyres.net
Her #A.V Denizen Page

Discussion/Rememberance Board
Tribute Page from Dok
Tribute Page from Drea
Tribute Page from Onyx

From Persik:
I received the sad news this morning that DarkRaven died on Monday at 4:45 pm. A friend of DarkRaven's came on the channel to let us know. DarkRaven was on #alt.vampyres as long as I can remember. Watching her grow up has been a source of joy and pain for all of us. I know that she has moved on to a better place and time but I'll miss her always. I don't believe that death is the final step, it is a new door opening. Someone with a soul as brilliant as DarkRaven's will find some wonderful people waiting for her. I miss you DarkRaven. I'm selfish... I would have kept you here a while longer. Take care of yourself and remember to keep spreading those hugs around.

From Traum:
When the pendulum swings in our direction we often choke, unable to speak the words we should. Our light is cupped, but our hope remains that where she landed brings her what she needs the most.

We treasured our gift and her easy laughter. But our beautiful Raven, like all others do, had to fly.

We'll see you later, dearest Cheryl. Keep the fire warm until we join you. We miss you.

From Dok:
My first friend on the channel... a part of me goes with her. I only wish I had met her in person.

For Cheryl, the Darkest of Ravens

From Takhisis:
Good journey, winged one.
Our love and sorrow clash in storm,
May the wind of it bear your soul swift to blessed places.
Candles and memories burn behind you,
Lighting the way before you,
Casting back your shadow for us to cling to, one last moment.

Sweet dreaming, laughing one.
We curl our arms about us tightly,
Remembering your energetic embrace and warmth of life.
And tighter still to hold the fragments in.
Your scent, your smile, flavor and voice
Resonate immortalized, fivefold within us, always.

Peaceful rest, troubled one.
We remember the clutch of the hand,
The waveform of sadness beneath your angelic visage.
We cast off the urge to blame and hurt,
To rail and grasp in loss of you.
We seek to be better, worthy of the love you gave us.

From linz:
i don't really know what to say.

i've tried to come up with something, a way of saying goodbye. but i can't.
i can't say anything that i feel would do justice to her. she was a wonderful friend, a beautiful person, always ready with the best hugs. i know i don't come around irc much anymore, but it hurts to know that she's gone, and i will miss her terribly.

From Stef-Zodiak:
as we always do dear one,
here is a quote to.

The bitterest tears shed over graves are for
     words left unsaid and deeds left undone.
                       -Harriet Beecher Stowe 

From artemis:
"Genius Child"

This is a song for the genius child.
Sing it softly, for the song is wild.
Sing it softly as ever you can -
Lest the song get out of hand.
Nobody loves a genius child.
Can you love an eagle,
Tame or wild?
Can you love an eagle,
Wild or tame?
Can you love a monster   
Of frightening name?
Nobody loves a genius child.
Kill him - and let his soul run wild.

- Langston Hughes

From Traum:
Mr. John Keats said the "poetical character": "has no self - it is every thing and nothing - It has no character - it enjoys light and shade; it lives in gusto, be it foul or fair, high or low, rich or poor, mean or elevated - It has as much delight in conceiving an Iago as an Imogen. What shocks the virtuous philosopher, delights the chameleon Poet. It does no harm from its relish of the dark side of things any more than from its taste for the bright one; because the both end in speculation."

From Tiernan:
DarkRaven .... I can't believe you're gone. You always greeted me with hugs and happy to see me you were, no matter how long I'd been absent. I'll miss you always, my dear friend and I'll always remember you with a warm place in my heart. I'll leave you with a quote from Dr. Martin Luther King, that seems so appropriate at the moment....
"Free at last, free at last ... Thank God Almighty I'm free at last!"

Love always, Tiernan

From Icey:
I can't really think of what to say. Im gonna miss having fun trying to sneak in without getting pouncehugged.. She will be sorely missed.

From emrys:
Portions of "Funeral Blues" by W.H. Auden

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message [She] Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

From nightgoddess:
I sit here wearing my lei ... thinking that didn't I just talk to her a week ago ... how long ago was that really. I couldn't say but I know it wasn't that long, and I think that didn't she just tell me she was talking to me from sf, from her boyfriends, and that she was really happy. didn't I just tell her I had wondered where she'd been, that I missed seeing her smiling happy words float by my view. float by is the right way to say it though. I didn't know dr well, she's someone I always smile about when I said her name. she's someone I think of with *tacklehugs* overlaying the thought.

and then today I get a message "did you hear the news?" and no I hadn't, so I ask what ... not having any idea what I'm asking. my first thought is that's just unreal, it can't be ... all those phrases of "what happened?" "why her?" "why now?" flash across my mind, and then the messenger says "suicide" ... somehow I already knew, as soon as I heard she was gone I felt something deep snap and I knew, and wish I knew why, then the phrases come again "what could someone have done?" "could I have said something?" "what happened?"

None of it matters, all the phrases, they're just phrases. All that matters is that everything I knew of dr was sweet and endearing and wonderful, and that the thought of her makes me smile. All that matters is she is gone. All that matters is I'll miss her.

From Omnedon:
I had never met anyone who was so brilliant at such a young age. I remember being so impressed with her years ago. It took some time for her to convince me she was 14 then. It is wrong that brilliance doesn't help someone survive, and seems most often to do the opposite. But there it is. I still cannot grasp that she is gone. And she was such a decent person... And she was... Hell, you all know.

Her absence leaves a Darkness of a kind that cannot be filled.

I'm still crying, and I hadn't even talked to her recently. I had thought she would always be there.

From chica:
I will miss your ready smiles and hugs. Nothing I say will do you justice...but just saying something can sometimes start the healing. I want to turn back time, to get a chance to talk to you before you did it. I want to tell you that you are loved and respected and that you had everything in front of you. That the pain can be overcome. That I have been there, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. That we need you.

I hope you are free, wherever you are. We'll miss you terribly.


From Ravan:
I'm not really sure what to say or what to think. I'm surprised that Cheryl would go to this extreme and end her life. I never met Cheryl in real life, but thats certainly not how it feels. A few years ago, I adopted Yakko (Justin) and Darkraven (Cheryl) as my little brother and sister. In alot of ways, it feels like i've lost a family member and it's hard to accept the fact that she isn't coming back.

This tradgedy hits every member of the channel hard, and i know it took everyone by surprise.

I'm somewhere between confusion and sadness. I'm not really sure right now which one I am.

I will always concider Cheryl my little sister and luv her with the heart of a Ravan!

Keep the little one's warm.

See you on the other side Cheryl...

The bodies are lied on piles of wood
          people gather for one last look
		The pain, the suffering that they endure
will last a life time thats for sure
    The tourches are lite, the cerimony begins.
The cries and screams, the confusion and anger
"Why, Why, Why!!" Scream the parents, the friends
Why did it all have to end.
No ones for sure, no one knows why, everyone knows the dead don't lie
			The tourches are handed out like hand fulls of candy
Only to those worthy, who been given the right.
	The piles of wood are drenched in gas
this will ensure the fire will last
					burn the body to free the soul
	call upon the Raven to carry it home.

Goodbye Cheryl, keep the little Raven's warm

From Dreamy:
I may not have known dr long but she was always someone who could bring a smile to my face.....

Through the darkest parts of this life,
She shone brighter than the sun
Tho her name suggested darkness
She radiated warmth

I will miss the fluttering of the ravens wings
and the neverending laughter.
The prospect of a *tacklehug*
whenever she was around.

~In sadness~

From grendel_:
i haven't even been on channel nearly as much as i used to, but darkraven's death has still affected me profoundly. she had this gift of making people feel welcome.. i will sorely miss that. i wanted to make something in her honor.. but i don't think i could.. nothing good or productive could ever come of this.. we have all lost a dear friend.. i'm just glad i got to know her a little bit.

sadly, grendel_

From Trickster:
Well, I've sat since I heard the news last night, trying to think of something to say, and everything seems inadequate. For someone named "dark," Cheryl brought a lot of light into the channel, and it will be a darker place without her. Her virtual smiles, her cheer, her friendliness will all be sorely missed. I couldn't believe the news when I read it, and it still feels just _not right_.

There is more that I'd like to say, but I wouldn't know where or how to begin. I just wish I hadn't drifted away from the channel so much lately, that I'd spoken to her more, that I'd had the chance to say something special to her that she could take with her to her next stop on her journey. You will be missed, dear Raven.

From Dellamorte:
to use what must be, by now, a tired old phrase, this is the last thing I expected to hear today. I don't know if I can say much of anything that will come off how I want it to, and, more importantly, anything I say now is too late anyway. Such a sweet girl she was, and looking back now, it was wonderful to see what a good woman she was becoming. I didn't know her as well as perhaps I should have. Now, knowing that I'll never get the chance to talk with her and learn more about her, I feel as if I took her for granted. She made her decision, and it was hers to make, I just hope she made the right one, and that this selfish feeling of guilt I have for taking her life for granted and being too late in acknowledging her place in my life will teach me something.

Is it too late to show that I give a damn, I wonder?
Nevertheless, I still do.
*hugs back at you, for a change*

From Gabriel:
Hark, said the Raven, nevermore. Never again will I be able to see the beaming face of this 'o so gentle and sweet individual or for any of us again to have her bouncing around "lei-ing" everyone in turn. For the most part I am at a loss for words to say about this tragic turn of events. It might be selfish of me to say that it's just not right she was just ripped from the lives of all those around her, but I say so because she brought wonder and happiness to all and I for one never saw a long face when she was around. All in all, you will be missed deeply and dearly Cheryl. Spread your wings and fly young Raven, dare to touch the sky in thoughtless bliss as you soar onward in the heavens as only one so free as yourself may.

Deep in mourning,

From ryssa:
dr: right now i have few words. later, as always, i will write volumes, and burn them so that you can read them. but for now, only a few things (some of which may bring disapproval from those who read this, but then, it wasn't meant for them, now was it?):
1) i still hug faster.
2) i'm quite angry at you, and i think you know why.
3) i wanted you to meet him, dammit.
4) there is no number four.
5) fare thee well, dear. you know i love you.


From Ginger:

You are such an amazing person. The way you would join the channel and make it a point to hug EVERYONE who was in the room. So caring and thoughtful. Always trying to do the right thing and be there for everyone. I feel like I failed you somehow. Arg I don't even know what to say. I have all of these emotions running through me. Sadness, disbelief. Hurt, Anger, Love, Friendship. *sigh* I wish I could have just hugged you. Been there for you. You are in my heart. I will never ever forget you. I love you girl. Forever.


From JaneEnvy:
I really wish I could have met you at least once. You were always someone I looked forward to talking to, so refreshingly fun, bright and creative. I am in shock. I know things can be awful in life many times, but there are always other options, and it makes me sad that you took the most extreme one. You are one of the rare ones in life that I have met who are truly promising in so many ways. The world is darker for your departure, we needed more like you. I wish I could have been around to talk to you. Where ever you are now I hope you have found peace and an eternal respite from pain. I will never forget you.
Love always,

From Cripster:
So close...yet so far away. I wish I had gotten to meet her while she was in Boston. We were only a few hours away but never got together. I'll miss DR even though I didn't know her well. So here's to DR, see you on the other side...

From Mr Frost:
I don't know where I have been in the last 48 hours, but I just received the news a few minutes ago. I'm speechless. I just don't know what to say. I can't really put what I am thinking or feeling into words. I have had a few people that were very close to me in person taken from me, and even though I never met Cheryl in person, the loss is just as great. On Tuesday I had this strange feeling that something had happened or was going to happen. The weather was also very cold and grey... and raining... hard. I will always remember the conversations we had in the channel. I will miss her dearly..

Fly free Dark Raven..

From Lyonene:
~Omnia Mutantur, Nihil Interit.~

From Morpheus_:
Numb. Its the only way for me to describe it. I'd heard about it from Merlin and I went numb. I normally have no problem hearing of a death, being as i believe it to be a new beginning, but this one struck a cord. She was a dear friend to me, and one of the few people who could probably say that she knew me better than most people. I have so many things running through my head right now, but no way to express them. I guess first of all I'm a bit upset. Not necessarily with DR, but with myself for not being able to talk to her more recently. Maybe I would have seen it coming. Maybe. I'll never know. I'm sad, but not because I miss her, but because She had so much to offer the world. Everything from her smile, to her ability to shoot from the hip, to her understanding soul. I wish i could give her a hug right now, but I'm just going to have to wait a while longer. Until then DR, who was one of the firsts to perch upon my head in the rafters, much love, pouncehuggles, and snogs. See you on the other side.

Morpheus_ aka Joseph Martinez

From bleak:

The bad thing about suicide is that nobody gets to say goodbye properly. I wish you good luck and success the next time around.

Robert Drake

From Screams:


I was night,
But she was my darkness,
And the memories of our time together
Are lost like shadows
Dancing upon the ebony
Of my heart.                          

I loved her
Like only I can
Until the time came
For her to soar free
Far beyond the reach
Of my tragedy and sorrow.

I don't think
She ever looked back,
And I can't say I blame her.

I choke on tears
The color of midnight
As I finally realize
That my beloved and beautiful
Darkraven will fly

                              May 27, 1999

It's a shame that it took this to bring me back for a visit. Many of you don't know me, and those of you who do probably dislike me even after all of this time, but I felt that I had to say something about the young woman I loved.
Cheryl...even now it hurts to say the name of the person who went out of her way to reach me. Me, the moody and bitter shell of a man who had loved and lost...and could never forget the pain or despair it caused. She said that it was my sad and tragic nature that stirred her feelings. She wanted to touch me, to reach me, to heal me, and so our relationship began.
We were not together very long when you look at it in some ways, but it was enough for me to know how I feel. At the end, she told me that she just couldn't deal with my hopelessness any longer, and I couldn't make her understand that I truly was happy with her...or at least as happy as I get. So she left me, and true to form, I used it to add to my pain. But I never became angry with her, and I never forgot. One of the last times we spoke, I told her that I still loved her, and she didn't seem to believe it. It tore me up inside for her to doubt my feelings that way, but I eventually came to terms with it. After all, as long as I knew how I felt about her, what else could matter? I didn't need to say it for her because I felt it deep down inside.
In so many ways, I wish I had told her one last time. Make no mistake,
I do love her. I still feel that passion within myself. It's right there next to its new neighbor, guilt.

I am in the process of writing some other poems for/about Cheryl. These are a bit more personal, and I won't post them here. If any of you would like to read them, e-mail me at Screams97@hotmail.com. At this point, I am all too willing to share.

From zyzzyva:
For the past three days i've been wandering around as if in a trance, going on with my life and not really believing it, as if this were all some cruel hoax and soon enough we'll see your happy, bubbly self come scurrying across the channel once again. I wish for this more than anything, but i know deep down that it can never be true.

By far my fondest memories of you are from Con last year. You were what made it really great for me. I can remember your coming up to me as soon as i got there, staying with me the whole night to make sure i didn't get too lonely. We ended up spending the whole night together, and it was wonderful. And now whenever anyone mentions Atlanta, that's all i can think about. I don't know how i'll get by this year without you.

If there was only one word i could use to describe you, it would have to be pure. Everything you did and showed was purity in essence, from your dark, stream-of-consciousness letters to your charming, if naive, questions ("is Budweiser goth?" ;) to your deep and passionate kisses. Yes, you're easily the best kisser i've ever been with. A true natural. I wish i could have told you then that i love you.

I wish that there was more i could say. So many thoughts swell in my head, but i can't find ways to express my grief. I can see now why so many people believe in an afterlife, because the alternative is simply unthinkable. Whatever may be the case, i hope that you've found peace, and that you can continue doing what you did all your life: making the world a better place for all those around you.

love, liam/zyzzyva

From Kesudar:

To DarkRaven
Dearest Cheryl,

Well, what can I say that everyone else hasn't already said?
I could say goodbye, but it's not really a goodbye is it.
I could say that I'll miss you, which I will.
I could ask 'Why?', but I already know the answer to that.
Cheryl, I've had the pleasure of meeting you once.  I can only
wish it was a thousand times more so.
You brightened up my face when you greeted me, no matter what kind of
disposition I was in. 

I just heard the news tonight that you've left us. But you really
didn't do that, did you.  I wasn't sure what or how to feel when  
I heard...just overwhelmingly shocked.  Thousands of things ran
through my mind....and I was angry at myself.  Eventhough people tell
me that there was nothing I could have done.  But there was.  I -know-
that.  If only I could have been there to talk to you.  To say something.
To hear.  To see.  But I wasn't.  And now...

On the channel, you greeted me with *hugs* and a dazzling smile.
In real life, you did the very same thing.
It reached down into me and cut through the walls I had carefully
placed around myself.  It shatered the windows that I was constanly
looking at the rest world through.  For that, dear DarkRavan, I thank you.

You and I talked about things that no one else seemed to understand.
You did.  Every one in the channel was touched by you.  I am proud to say
that I was among them.

Dark is the path me sometimes walk.            
Sharp are the pains that catch us on our way.
You were there to help guide.
You were there to help heal.

May you fly quickly to where you are going, Cheryl...DarkRavan.
Until I see you again there,

-Michael Leigh-  (Kesudar)  

From Samantha (from #depression):
I never even knew her first name... she was always eriss to me. She was sweet and fun to talk to. I only found out that she had a webpage now that she is gone, and looking over it, there is so much I wish I could talk to her about. We had more in common than I knew, she liked Danny Elfman and Vladimir Nobokov, just like I do. I never saw a picture of her before today, and she is more beautiful than I could have imagined. I wish I could talk to her again.

From Spyce:
Dearest DR

Though I have not been around in a long time and even though I had myself removed from the group, you will always be one of my favourite memories of my first internet family. I have only regret about leaving #Alt.V and that is that I did not get the chance to tell you goodbye. I was being selfish and afraid and snuck away without saying a word to anyone because of something that is now buried deep inside me. I wish I could have shared more secrets with you, for you are truly an amazing person. I will miss you sorely, my sweet little dark raven.

You are forever in my memories.

Sherri ~reah~spyce~

From Athame:
I just learned today that Cheryl aka Darkraven has travelled on through to the Gateway of Death. The memory of her will forever remain dear to me.

Thou hast but taken thy lamp and gone to bed; I stay a little longer, as one stays to cover up the embers that continue to burn--Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, "Three Friends of Mine"

From Execution:
Maybe now we will all hear with clarity.

I drink to you, and in your honor.

From archangel:
I received your sad announcement today. A friend brought a print-out of your alt.v posting. I was stunned by the news, although I had not had correspondence with her for some time. I did not know she was so young.

Our friend took her life away from us and we are angry and saddened and left only with the ageless question. She died of the ancient plague, where medicines did not reach. We thought she stood on such firm ground, as our friendship and love assumed. But now our hearts reel, out of balance, as we search for the lost good place, of solid embrace and shared good times. We thought we stood on such firm ground, as our thoughts and physics assumed. But our thoughts are leaden and drop as our physics comes undone.

We did not know her secret heart or where that heart yearned to be. All we can know is what she is, to each of us in our own secret hearts.

From Moonwolf:
May the road rise to meet you;
May the wind always be at your back;
May the sun shine warm upon your face.
May the rain fall soft upon your fields and until we meet again
May the Goddess hold you in the palm of her hand.

From Kashie:
well, i promised her i wouldn't do this. yea, i'm a liar. whatever. i wrote the first part of this when i found out, i wrote the other part tonight. post whatever you want, i don't really care since she already knows or will never know. i just want to send it for some strange reason. so i'm a weirdo, fuck off.
keep in mind, the first part was before i found out it was suicide. sorry, i don't mean ta be rude to you, it's just hard being nice to anyone lately.

Dear Cheryl,
I hate cheesy memorial shit, and I'm sure you probably do too. I'm also not the type to believe in an afterlife, but this time I'm hoping I'm wrong. I'm hoping you're still somewhere out there, watching us, and I'm hoping you can see me right now as I'm writing this.
Our sense of humor has always been similar - very dark, very cynical. I know if I were you, I'd find all this webpage crap funny, and I'm hoping you do too. So laugh, wherever you are, and know how many people miss you and love you.
When I first came to #alt.vampyres, you were there for me. I was the little 14 year old, but you were too. I think we both used the channel as an escape from our lives, from high school, no?
Ah, what a perfect opportunity to move on to Simon's Rock. You were the one that told me about it. You showed me around when I came for my interview, you let me and Joe stay with you when we visited - in other words, I couldn't have done it without you. Warning. Cheezy part goes here. You changed my life. I don't think I ever told you how much I appreciated that.
You're a smart girl. Too smart, maybe. You understood everything a little too clearly to be ok with it. I feel like a bitch for not chilling with you more while you were at school. As you said, many times, I was too busy with my "possee". I could yap about that, make up excuses, but there really are none. It's my loss.
Let me talk about the time that we *did* chill, instead. Dragon con. Ok, we didn't chill much at the con - I was too busy living it up in my post-breakup haze, but I think the company you found wound up being alot more fun than I could have been, eh? ;) What's on my mind right now is the night afterwards, when we caught the plane to nyc and waited outside of penn station all night as I wrote cheezy poetry and you did your homework. Surrounded by bags, not moving an inch except to go inside and go to the bathroom, we looked like a bunch of runaways. I had fun, though. The stuff we discussed was... deep. Ok, I warned you this was going to be cheesy. But anyways, you understood what I was saying, and I understood what you were saying, and I doubt most of the other 8 million idiots in the area would have if they had heard it. It was a good night. When I think of you, that's the girl I think of, the girl from that night were we talked and talked and said everything that we needed to say but couldn't find someone to tell it to.
So what am I saying? I don't even know, so don't feel bad if you're not following this ramble. I guess I'll repeat myself to emphasize it. You're a smart girl. This is not a happy world for smart people to live in. That's why I'm being such a bad atheist right now and hoping that you're out there somewhere. It doesn't seem fair, otherwise.
Intelligence. If you have alot, you get everything. If you have too much, you don't. Why? Because people are stupid. You deserve better. You deserve to live in a place where you're free to use your gift, and live a long, happy life with lots of people who love you. This wasn't it. That's why I'm glad you're gone, because of the chance that now, you're happy. I'm only sad for selfish reasons, because I miss you, because the world I'm still in could have benefited from you, because it hurts to realize that this world is so unfair. But everyone missed out on their chance. There has to be something better for you. And if anyone says otherwise, just send em to me, I'll kick their ass for ya.
I want to keep talking about that, but I'm only going to repeat myself at this point. So instead, I'll describe to you the world I hope you're living in (and hey, God, if yer there, keep this in mind. It's a good idea.) For some reason, it looks a bit like Simon's Rock, only *gasp!* the tri-dorm area has been transformed into a small town, and it has clubs, pool halls, beaches, and everything you could ever wish for out of a city. Only you don't live there, you live up at the mods with 3 close friends. Classes are optional and there are no requirements, so you can take whatever you want, whenever you want it. Grades don't exist - you're only learning what you want to. And the classes get more and more advanced as you keep learning. Without all the stress of school, I'm sure it would be easy for you. You can learn everything there is to know, if you want, and if you don't want to, then you don't have to. You spend most of your days sitting around, yapping about the meaning of life or whatever's on your mind, and for some reason, I get the feeling that you'll find the answer. You can find the answer to anything in this place - not because it's magical or whatever, just because you've been given the chance to think it out. Just so you don't get bored there, of course, there's tons of parties, and don't forget, your own private city-type-town. And tons of play. And you're deleriously happy.
Maybe it's too earthlike. Maybe the "after-life" is more traditional, with angels and white dresses (don't try to tell me they're togas), and all that crap. I guess what I'm describing here is what *this* world should have been like for you. You deserved better. Did I say that already? Let me say it again. You deserved better. There. Now at least there'll be no confusion.
I feel like I understand you, even though I barely knew you. And I barely knew you because in alot of ways, I'm one of these stupid earth people. I just hope you know that. You're a cool kid and I missed out on what could have been a valuable, fun, eye-opening friendship for me. *I* missed out, not you, since *I* was the asshole. But even so, I love ya hon. And you deserve better friendships than I could have offered, being a stupid person and all. Which is why I'm hoping you're in a place where people aren't as stupid.
Let me say, once again, I hope you're reading this and laughing at me. I'm all sad, everyone's all sad... but we shouldn't be, and we know it. And I don't want you to be dragged down by all of our mourning bullshit. Watch, laugh, and be happy, because that's what you deserve, after all.
Ok, so if I was writing a story or an essay or something, I should stop talking now. I missed a few good endings. I should edit this, probably cut it down to half the length it is now. But I won't. So this isn't going to be a masterpiece, so what? I'm not writing this so that other people will read it and think "oh gee how eloquent! she's such a good writer!". I'm writing to you, and to everyone else who reads this, I don't know... maybe to make them realize what a cool person you were, and what we all miss out on every day. So maybe someone won't make the same mistake I did. This is my way of thinking things through, and so maybe I won't make the same mistake again. So what if that won't help *you*? You're deleriously happy now, remember? I wish I could change the past, but since I can't, you're just going to have to make up for it by enjoying your next life. No. You don't have a choice. I'm not giving you one. Be happy. So, nyah! :P
Alright. Here's a little interlude. God, since I'm believing in you for the moment, I wanna have a little talk with you. Oh, by the way, for those Christians and other crazy religious folk out there reading this, you'll probably get offended. Because I'm a big bad atheist, because I'm not going to show proper respect for our Holy Father, blahblahblah. And you know what? You can fuck off. I'm having a religious moment, you can be happy with that.
So anyways, here it goes. And I'm appologizing to Cheryl, because I'm getting into my own personal beliefs, I'm thinking about me, but hey kid, you're deleriously happy, so there's no need to worry about you. *hugs* And keep laughing, because I'm doing something I never thought I would do.

Dear God(s)/Higher Being(s)/Creature(s) from the 12th
Dimension/Jesus/Allah/Buddah/Whoever the **** You Are,

       I just bleeped out a curse word. I won't continue to. If all the
religious folk on this planet are right, I'm already going to Hell/A Bad
Place/be reborn as a Worm/or whatever other bad punishment you can think
of. So this probably won't make much of a difference. And it *is*
respectful in my own little way - but of course, you probably know that.
So if you really love all your creatures for who they are, love me for who
I am, and if you don't, then fuck off. Hey, that was pretty gutsy, wasn't
it? Especially since now, I actually believe that you exist. Ah well. You
know who I am, and you know how I act. Like I said, forgive it or fuck off
(what an ultimatum, eh? if you're gonna hate me, there's nothing I can do
about it anyways. you can fuck off, but I can suffer for all eternity. oh
       Off topic? Yes it is. I'll get to my point eventually. I don't know
what the fuck you're trying to do here, and I got shit to say to you about
it. I don't know who you are. I don't know if you're good or bad, nice or
malicious. But it doesn't matter, because if you're an asshole, I'm dammed
for all eternity anyways, like I've already said. And no, I won't repent.  
       It's hard to grow up not believing in you. I don't think my parents
do, really. There weren't many meeting houses nearby, but good, religious
members of the Society of Friends would have found a way if they really
thought it mattered. But I don't think they thought it did. I don't know
much about my father's religious background, but as a Quaker, my mom was 
taught of a loving, forgiving god. And I think that somewhere, deep
inside, she still believes in you. I think we all do, somewhere. You may
not really exist, but we need to believe that you do. It makes us feel
better when things go wrong to know that there's a reason, to know that if
we get screwed over in this life, that it'll be better in the next, and to
know that when we lose a friend, that they're ok. We all want to live
forever, and by believing in an afterlife, we think we can.     
       A god such as the one i've described would forgive her for not
schlepping an hour away every Firstday to sit in a room full of people and
reflect on life. A god such as the one i've described would know that she
does that every day anyway, and that someone doesn't have to actively,
officially worship you to respect you. Someone doesn't even have to
believe in you. Who's better? Someone who lives a sinless life, who never
harms another human being, who gives and gives to make other people's
lives better, or some Catholic who goes to church every sunday, hates gays
and blacks and hispanics and everyone who isn't a rich white male?
If you answered the second, then you can stop reading and fuck off. I
can't respect a god like that, and once again, I'd already be screwed. But
the god that everyone needs to believe in isn't that. Most religions teach
that, though. Fear. Opiate of the masses. But they're hypocrites because
at the same time, they try to appeal to the side of us that believes that
you're good and universally forgiving. You should be. And not just
forgiving because of a few Hail Marys. If someone is truly a good person,
you should know that, no matter what they believe.  
       So I'm going to assume yer a good god. That's where I get confused.
Why? Why would you make so many people suffer in this world? Is it a test?
Do I at least get to study? Just give me an allnighter and some drugs to
keep me awake, ok? Remember, you're a good god now. That was a joke.
Laugh. Although, if you want to give me drugs anyway, you can. 
       I think I'm a good person. I do alot of stuff that humans have
deemed "bad", I'm fucking up my body, and I'm not spending 100% of my time
developing this brain that you gave me - instead I'm busy killing brain
cells. So I'm not being as "good" as I can be. But what is good? Should I
get a 4.0, transfer to Harvard, work 9 to 5, make millions and give it all 
to charity? I'd be miserable, you know. I do what I do to cope. I'm trying
to enjoy my life. Is that good or bad according to you? Which brings me,
finally, to my point. Are we supposed to be happy or miserable? If we're
supposed to be happy, why do you make it so hard for some of us? Why are
we living in a world where someone like Cheryl, who had a ridiculous
amount of intelligence, energy and love to offer, gets screwed over? In
the past year I've seen things like this happen over and over again, I
learned that the world isn't fair. Why is that? Why do some of the
smartest people I know have to go to community colleges because they can't
afford the kind of school I'm going to? Why am I getting more
opportunities than 90% of the kids I grew up with? Because I'm a middle
class kid from a working class neighborhood. And a part of me *wants* to
get that 4.0 and transfer to Harvard, just because I have that opportunity
and they don't. Why do the most talented people I know have to lose their
chance at greatness? Why do people have to die early, when they have
everything going for them, and why do others have to suffer through life
because they're living on a world that isn't good enough for them?        
       It isn't hard to believe in you now, because my personal belief
system has always had a spot for you. Maybe I didn't think of you as a god
type, but hey, it was close enough. Close enough to the Quaker god, at
least. Yes, I believe that everyone is inherently good. I get pissy
sometimes, and I pre-judge people every day, according to how they look,
dress, walk, talk, you name it, I'm an asshole about it. But everytime
I've gotten over that and had a real, heart to heart with a person, I've
realized that they were good people. Every single one of them. So I love
everyone in a way, and try not to hurt them.   
       I'm not saying that I always suceed. Like I just said, I'm still an
asshole in alot of ways. I'm no better than anyone else when it comes to
being nice to others. Just because I believe something doesn't mean I
always practice it. I can't have a heart to heart with everyone, yanno,
and sometimes its hard to believe that if I did, I would realize that this
is a good person.     
       I do hurt people, intentionally or not. Sure, when it comes to
physical violence, my slate is clean, but that shit is nothing compared to
the kind of hurt that comes from mean looks, words, or no words at all.   
       I prejudged Cheryl. Not really directly, but I judged her by her
friends, and I got caught up in stupid social, "who's cooler than who"
games. I had the heart to heart, and I realized that I liked her, that she
was not only a good person, she was one of the best. That's the reason I
feel like I wronged her more than anyone else - because even after I
learned that she was cool, I still didn't take advantage of that.   
       But I'm just one person. This is a whole world of assholes you've
got here, and I think we all wronged her. She didn't belong here with us
assholes. And for that, I lay the blame on you.   
       So here's my conclusion. All the people that were hurt, you'd
better be taking care of them. You'd better make it up to them, because
you screwed them over. Not directly, but hey, this is your world, isn't
it? Maybe it's fine and dandy for some, but for others, it just plain
sucks. So you'd better be doing something about that. And now Cheryl's in
your hands. Now's your chance to make it right.  She's a good person, just
as good or better than anyone else. Judge her on that, if you must judge.
I'm trusting you for the first time in my life, so don't let me down. You
let her down. Now fix it.

                              Much Love,

Hey Cheryl, how was that? If he/she/it gives you any problems, just send em to me. I'll take care of em. :)
I'm gonna say goodbye now. It's about time, eh? I'm sorry for taking so much of your time that could have been spent doing whatever yer doing over there, but hey, you have forever to enjoy it. And that's what I expect you to do. Forget about all of us here on earth and enjoy your new life. Maybe we'll join you someday, or at least visit. Maybe I'll OD tomorrow and see you again, maybe I wont be able to stay because I don't deserve as much eternal bliss as you do. But it's all good. As long as you *do* get what you deserve, then it's all good. Maybe by the next time we meet, I'll be mature enough to appreciate you, maybe someday I'll even be as mature as you were at the ripe old age of 18. Maybe someday I'll be deserving of you. Hey, I warned you. At least this isn't written on the inside of a Hallmark card.
Here's something I haven't wanted to think about until now. Maybe I was right all along, and the "goodness" that I always believed in instead of god is all there is. Maybe this is all there is. I might just be talking to myself because you can't hear, because you're gone. And if that's true... I can't even think of the words to express how pissed off I'd be. I think I've finally found something that I can't put into words. So I can't think that way. I have to believe that you're ok, better than ok. I have to believe that your life wasn't wasted. By wasted, I don't mean that you didn't "live up to your potential" or any of that crap. I mean that you weren't given a chance to be happy. You didn't waste your life, this whole world, the way it's set up... that's who wasted it. We missed out, and you missed out because, once again, we're all a bunch of assholes and idiots. You were too good for us. And you deserve better.

Much love, good luck and see ya later,

Ps. And I know there's a sexie waitin fer ya, too. Have fun. ;)

part two.

I've spent the past few days trying to forget. When i found out, i told you how i felt, i wrote to you for hours and hours. It just doesn't seem like enough.
I told you i wouldn't cry, but i'm sorry, i couldn't help it. i dont even know what to say now, except that i need to say *something* more, even though i've said everything I can think of.
I cursed out god, and i told him/her/it what an asshole he/she/it was for hurting you. And then i said "that's it. there's no more to say." and there isn't, really, which is why what i'm writing here is such bullshit. but as i said in the letter to you the other night, i'm *still* not ready to say goodbye, i guess.
whatever i can say to you here means nothing, since you either already know or will never know, but i keep yappin.
so fuck off everyone. this is gonna be rude, but fuck off.
why the hell would you do that? i know we've discussed this before, and the conclusion was that there was always something to hang on for, always, at the very least, a hope.
so you're probably deleriously happy in the after-life, or there is no after-life and you've ceased to exist. that's a risk that you took. and right now i'm pissed at you for taking that risk.
i'm pissed off at you for making so many people unhappy, im pissed off at you for not realizing that we all cared about you this much. But most of all, i'm pissed off at myself for not realizing it myself. and i'm pissed off at all of us for not MAKING you realize it.
so you're gone, and the only hope i have is in believing that there's something better out there for you, for the first time in my life. And I'm pissed at you for making me believe in god for the first time, and then making me doubt him for the first time.
i miss you, i love you, i wish you were here, and fuck. i hope i was wrong all along. god, i hope you're up there somewhere, and if you are, you best be takin care of my friend, even if she was an idiot by doing this. cause she's good people. too good, in alot of ways.
she deserves to be happy, now, even if she was an idiot. so make her happy.
fix everything that you've fucked up, make it up to her that the world was so unfair to her. make it right, because she didnt get a chance here, and you know that.
and back ta cheryl. i'm sorry im buggin out again, and i'm sorry that i finally cried. but i have no choice but ta hope tht yer out there somewhere reading this, and that's your fault, so, in other words, you have to deal with my hysterics. but, even though i want to send a big FUCK YOU out ta ya, you know i don't really mean it. i love ya, kid, and i miss ya.
and i promised i wouldn't send a goodbye to the alt.v page. but you knew all along that i'd bugg out eventually, so there's no need to appologize. there's really no need to appologize for anything, because, as far as i'm concerned, you're deleriously happy now. and, once again, if she's not, god, we got a problem cause i gonna kick your ass.

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