Fanfic by Jenny, submitted to the VHD Archives by Heather. Vampire Hunter D...Hey does "D" stand for dolly-blouse Author: **Busy stuffing face with as many Fruity Mentos as humanly possible** Hmm..... okay! Vampire Hunter D and Hand enter......HERE!!!!! **Vampire hunter D and Hand drop out of the ceiling landing on a concrete floor** Both: OUCH!!! OWw, PAIN!!!! Hand: Where the hell are we? D:..... Author: **choking** Your in my fan-fic!!! Feel loved!! ^.^ D: ......**stands up** Hand: I thought you hated it? Why are you writing about us? And what the hell gives you the right to write a fic about it!?! Author: I'm doing this so I don't have to do my chores to go finish up Heather's real present! **giggle giggle** Hand: uh-huh, your are lazy and cheap! Author: I know! ^.^ Anyway I am the all powerful all knowing all seeing author! **holds out pencil of wonder and lined paper of mystical shiny things!** Hand: **anime sweat drop** We're gonna die aren't we? Author: **grinning evilly** Maybe....heh heh!!! D: .........**blink blink** Author: **pouting** does he ever say anything!?!?!! Hand: He says "........" or translated into English "dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot"! Author: Smart ass Hand: Actually I'm a hand oh observant one! Stupid author if your gonna make this a living hell at least get the names right! Author: HEY!?! Your gonna pay for that! Hand: **laughing** what you gonna do nibble me bum off?! Author: EWWWW!!!!!!! **gets an idea complete with little light bulb above head and grins evilly** You gave me an idea! **scribbles something on mystical paper of stuff and cool shiny things** Hand: **with horrified look an his face- er palm?** NOO!!!! D! D, don't bend to her will! DON'T DO IT!!!!!!!! **unable to resist the will of the mighty author D uses hand to scratch a male spot which I the wonderful author don't have to disclose because I think all ya people out there get my drift. HINT HINT! NUDGE NUDGE!** Author: **laughing evily as Hand screams for mercy** **After awhile D pulls hand out** Hand: **shudders** ((and for a hand ya got to admit that takes allot of talent!)) So....scary....ahhhh!!!!!! THAT'S IT!!! **hand leaps off D arm and attacks the wonderful author** Author: AHHH!!!! **shields face with paper of wonder and whiteness** Eck! **her left hand leaps off her arm and tackles Hand** huh? I didn't know it could do that....**blink** YAY!! **Author's hand high-five's Hand breacking his nose, Hand bites Author's hand, Author's hand pokes Hand's eyes out** Author: HA! HA! **blinks** Wait a tic.....I need my hand! To hold the paper of wonders and stuff! **new left hand grows back**.....or that works too. D: ........I'm not pleased...... Author: **scribbles something on whiteness oh wonderful paper- with ittle black lines** **Doris, her little brother, and the cool vampire lady drop from the ceiling on concrete** All: OUCH!!! OWw, PAIN!!!! Doris: YAY!!! D! Now are you going to sleep with me?!! Huh huh are ya? D: **tries to run away but Doris latches on to his arm and refuses to let go** MOMMY!! LEACH!! Author: I knew i could get him to talk!! ^.^ **Doris still lacthed on to D, her little brother latches onto his leg as D franticly runs about flailing trying to get them off! Hand and Author's Hand are still figting in a mud pit that appeared from nowhere and Thing from the Adams family decides to join in wearing a pink rhinestone glove** Vampire Lady: How come me and the Little Brother and I dont have a name? I'm noble I think I deserve one! I dont know about the parasite over there... Author: Well, heh heh, funny story I tell ya, **anime stressed out features** I cant remember what your names where! Ha HA!! Vampire lady: Wench! Author: **grinning** I'm so glad you said that! **scribbles something on paper** **The Vampire Lady's eyes grow to fill the rest of her head. Unable to take the wait she collapses to the ground** Vampire Lady: What have you done to my beautiful face!?! Author: I dunno **scribbles on paper of shiny and sparkles** **All the villagers and the red haired mutant guy drop on to the concreat floor** All: OUCH!!! OWw, PAIN!!!! Red hair mutant: HEY! Wasnt me and the vamp chick dead at the end of the movie? Author: **chewing on mystical bacon flavored pencil** No- yeah-kinda! She walked into a crumbling building and you were a blood smear on the horny old guy's door way. Read hair mutant: okay just asking. **looks at the Vampire lady** HA! HA! Author: **scribbles something on wonderful paper of doom and hope** **The raid haired mutant guy falls to the floor his butt know the size of a small lama** Red hair mutant guy: HEY! that's not fair you bitch! Author: **sniggering** well I couldn't let the vamp lady be the only one picked on. Anyway it was either that or I enlarge something that would make you WAY to happy! it's just- EW! **all the villagers are having a keg-party thanks to the mighty author's mystical pencil of wonder and beer, scene changes into a wrestling arena where the 3 hands fight in the ring, villagers with hands full of beer fill the seats and D stills running about trying to get Doris and her little brother to let go. And the Vamp lady and mutant lay helpless on the floor** Author: poor D, **calms the scene to a semi-tolerable level of chaos** Good drunk, frantic, and horribly disfigured people! What do we burn aside from witches?! Villager 1: More witches? Villager 2: Grape Gravy? Villager 5,096: small Ducks? Villager 666: Really ugly girls with thick necks that don't wear pants or bra's? Author: EXACTLY!!!! **eyes Doris who squeals and tries to run away** **the drunken villagers run (unwilling to put the beer down) and tackle Doris NFL style and tie her to a pole then burn her. D and the little brother roast marshmallows and hotdogs on Doris flaming stick** Author: **Anime double take** O_O How come Doris is still alive!?! **Doris looks normal only tied to a flaming pole** Not right! **looks over paper carefully** OH i see! TYPO! **erases and re-writes** **Doris dyes instantly due to flesh eating printers from hell** All: YAY! Author: and with this I'm gonna take my leave. So bow down before your almighty and wonderful author! All: **blink blink** Author: Please, I'll be your friend! All: **blink blink** Author: okay if i end the fic on a 60's dance theme with you at least wave? All: **blink blink** Author: **shrugs** what the hell **scribbles on paper that's all most full** **scene changes into a 60's yellow and pink dance place. all the villagers are in afros and flares, the Vamp lady and mutant are grooving to the beat of the music still on the floor unable to get up. The hands still battling on the floor- and Doris is well DEAD! What do you want!?!** Author: **leaves unnoticed** D: Hey she left behind her pencil and paper of wonder and mystery and etc. Maybe now I can get me a girlfriend! **makes a grab for the pencil and paper** **the 3 hand grab him from behind and pull him to the ground beating him up** THE END!! (Or is it? Ya at least until I get more mentos it's then end. **pulls open drawer** Hey Lookie what I found!! MENTOS!!!!!)