THE REAL ALT.VAMPYRES FAQ

Welcome to the The One And Only Official alt.vampyres FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions), version 1.1. This document is intended to help you understand the group better before posting. Please read, mark, learn and inwardly digest.

1. What is alt.vampyres?

alt.vampyres is a Usenet group for talking about everything. Absolutely everything. Especially violence: murder, rape, assault, warfare, weapons, serial killers, criminal psychology, abnormal psychology, executions, brutality, cannibalism, death threats, dismemberment, disembowelment, impaling, flensing, bleeding, poisoning, drugs, torture, roasting, boiling, anthrax, plague, pustules, gangrene - anything no healthy person except a coroner or a detective would want to talk about, in fact. The Usenet equivalent of some of these effects is, of course, personal flaming, which is particularly on-topic for this group.

2. How can that be?

 

What do you expect, if you put a bunch of reject goths in a newsgroup?

3. So why is it called 'alt.vampyres'?

 

It's a troll for newbies. The idea is to lure innocent, preferably young and emotionally unstable new posters into apparently intelligent discussions of vampires, get them into discussing the digestion of blood and the mechanics of turning into a bat, then lambaste them for being so totally lame as to have to construct indestructible fantasy personas for themselves because they couldn't face real life.

4. And the founder couldn't spell?

 

Her story is, it gives the serious newbie something to ask damnfool questions about so that we can get stuck in right away.

5. But do people really think they're vampires?

 

Try the following searches on AltaVista:

• "I am a vampire": 907 matches
• "I am a shop assistant": 6 matches
• "I am a vacuous adolescent": 0 matches

I think this illustrates how widespread this tragic delusion is in our culture.

6. Why are there so many different FAQs?

 

Many regulars like to post their own version of a FAQ, either to give newbies something to snipe at or as a good starting point for a personal slanging match. They're trolls. This document is the only meaningful reference for the group.

7. So why are so many regular posters apparently discussing vampires?

 

All part of the camouflage. The regulars take it in turns to recycle their old ideas to lure in the occasional newbie who might be lurking. After all, you need something to feed the flames, don't you?

8. But some of it looks like intelligent discussion!

 

Only the first time you see it. After all these years, you don't seriously imagine there's anything new to be said about Dracula's motivations, do you?

9. I see what you mean.

Good.

10. So whom can I flame?

Before you start, drop the grammar. Using "whom" isn't going to impress anyone around here.

11. Okay, who can I flame?

 

It's better to start on the regulars. Newbies sometimes get upset and run off before we've had our proper fun with them; the regulars are just looking for half-assed lamewits to contradict their unsupported opinions, and will enjoy nothing more than a vigorous, on-topic browbeating.

Looking around the group, you'll usually notice any number of small-scale sniping going on at any time. These are mostly continuations of grudges dating back at least two years, but don't be discouraged! They are open entry. All you need to do is accuse someone of "overwhelming arrogance", being a "control freak" or even just "precious", and you're all ready to join in the fun!

Most of these skirmishes take the classic one-against-many form; this is because members of the group like to practise when there's no promising newbies to have a go at. If you feel like a real challenge, try siding with the smaller side: this will lead to much lively speculation about your true identity, your criminal record, mental stability, professional status and sexual proclivities. (Warning: may feature strong language, full frontal nudity, medical details, gratuitous violence or bat-fucking, for all we know.)

Or you could pick a completely independent fight. It's not like anyone will care.

12. How can I tell the regulars?

 

 

Well, the newbies are fairly easy to spot: they're the ones asking the half-assed questions about vampires and vampirism. They often have mournful goth quotes in their .sigs, so that we can all marvel at the depth of their tortured souls. Anyone who wants to get in touch with a Real(tm) vampire, particularly for purposes of getting bitten, is a complete fuckwit and you can feel free to treat them as you wish; we won't miss them, that's for sure. The regulars are the ones who post as if they know more than you do about what's going on in the group. That's because they do.

13. I hear there's an IRC channel related to the group. How do I join?

 

See the #alt.vampyres page at http://www.altvampyres.net/channel/ (see, how hard was that?)

14. Is there really a secret clique of IRCers that runs this group?

 

 

Even if someone wanted to run this shower, how would they do it? Get a grip.

15. Sorry...

 

And don't apologise! - no matter how wrong you are. It spoils the fun for everyone! Don't be so selfish.

16. Fuck you!

Now you're getting the idea. Go to it, tiger!

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LEGAL NOTICE AND DISCLAIMER: This is an unauthorized parody of the alt.vampyres FAQ done for entertainment purposes only and is not the actual FAQ for that newsgroup. This parody is the creation of Mike Kew (email: Mike@kew1.demon.co.uk) and is copyright 2000, reprinted here (with requested modifications) from the original usenet post. All rights reserved.
-- Mike Kew -- with thanks to Suzieflame for the inspiration, two years ago