alt.vampyres FAQ [part 5 of 4]

From: Nigel the Vampire <chooch@casagrande.com>
Newsgroups: alt.vampyres
Subject: alt.vampyres FAQ [part 5 of 4]
Date: Fri, 16 Jul 1999 00:02:34 -0700

OK, guys. I recently uncovered this, and although as you shall see I'm placing myself at considerable risk for doing it I have decided that you all have the right to know, so I'm forwarding it to you.

NigelTV
--

"We are the Weenie that Flops in the Night!"
--NigelTV
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alt.vampyres FAQ (continued)

PART 5: THE SECRET VAMPYRE ILLUMINATI STUFF

[5.01] What is this section about?
[5.02] Why is this section secret?
[5.03] Who are the "Secret Vampyre Illuminati"?
[5.04] What is the "Special Recognition Award"?
[5.05] Who determines who gets the "Special Recognition Award"?
[5.06] What are the requirements to receive a "Special Recognition Award"?
[5.07] What happens if someone reveals the secret?

5.01 WHAT IS THIS SECTION ABOUT?
This section covers the elite Secret Vampyre Illuminati and their Special Recognition Award. (Commonly called "Fangs")

5.02 WHY IS THIS SECTION SECRET?
This section is secret because we, the Secret Vampyre Illuminati, don't want the raggedy-assed masses annoying us by trying to horn in on our special stuff, which is reserved for the Secret Vampyre Illuminati, their sycophants and toadies exclusively.

5.03 WHO ARE THE "SECRET VAMPYRE ILLUMINATI"?
Oh no, you don't. That would be telling. We _could_ tell you, but then we'd have to kill you. Suffice it to say that _THEY_ know who they are, and _YOU_ are not one of them!

5.04 WHAT IS THE "SPECIAL RECOGNITION AWARD"?
The Special Recognition Award is a set of stylized "fangs" (\/^^\/) that is to be used in postings, email, etc. as a form of recognition signal among the "made" members of the Secret Vampyre Illuminati. Essentially, it's a textual form of a secret handshake.

5.05 WHO DETERMINES WHO GETS A SPECIAL RECOGNITION AWARD?
To qualify for consideration, a supplicant must first complete a series of required tasks, which were carefully chosen because they are so highly improbable that it is virtually impossible for any of them to happen by accident. Upon successful completion of those tasks, the supplicant will then be considered for an award by the "Special Recognition Award" Committee, which consists of the FAQKeeper and his/her/its clique of cronies. NOTE: Successful completion of the required tasks does _NOT_ result in the automatic granting of an award. The decision of who, among those meeting the qualifications, actually receives an award is solely at the discretion of the SRA Committee. Their decisions are absolute, final, and there is no appeal.

5.06 WHAT ARE THE REQUIREMENTS TO BE CONSIDERED FOR A SPECIAL RECOGNITION AWARD?
In order to be considered for a Special Recognition Award a supplicant must have successfully completed _all_ of the following tasks, in the order they are listed, in the newsgroup.

1. They must engage in endless, pointless, off-topic debate; preferably pissing off as many people as possible.

2. They must stage a false "withdrawal" from the group by posting a "Good-bye, Cruel World" type of notice, claiming in the process to be doing it "For The Good Of The Group".

3. They must have an imaginary, previously unknown "friend" begin posting to the group demanding "Justice" for all the "Outrages, Insults, and Indignities" that had been "Heaped" upon the "poor, pitiful" supplicant. Further, that same imaginary friend must also (a) deny being an imaginary friend; (b) engage in more pointless debate; and (c) call everybody names.

4. Supplicant must then post their "return" to the group, claiming to have been "tipped off" by a "friendly email" that everyone was still talking about them, and, having "discovered that it was true", claim to be returning "so I can defend myself". Optionally, supplicant may, if they so choose, claim to be bowing to the pressure brought on them by many well-wishers who have urged them to return to bring some life back into the group.

5. Finally, after having previously posted their efforts to master "pick-up lines" in any language _other_ than the supplicants own native tongue, they must make a general posting welcoming all "newcomers" to the group. That posting must also tell the newbies what the group is all about and warn them to stay on-topic.

5.07 WHAT HAPPENS IF SOMEONE REVEALS THE SECRET?
Anyone who reveals the existence of this section of the FAQ, the Secret Vampyre Illuminati, the Special Recognition Award and/or its requirements will be plagued by any or all of the following: Leather winged demons of the night, other demons, imps, vampires &/or hunters, elves (of the nasty sort), trolls, religious missionaries, insurance salesmen, conservative politicians, and economics professors. There will be evidence manufactured linking them to the grassy knoll in Dallas, the disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa, and the burglary of Old Mother Hubbard's cupboard. Finally, they shall be banished in perpetuity from _all_ newsgroups except alt.cuddles. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!

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LEGAL NOTICE AND DISCLAIMER:
This is an unauthorized parody of the alt.vampyres FAQ done for entertainment purposes only and is not part of the actual FAQ for that newsgroup. This parody and the character of "Nigel the Vampire" are the creations of Richard Morrison, Casa Grande, AZ, USA (email: chooch@casagrande.com) and are copyright 1999. All rights reserved. This is a work of fiction, and any similarity to any person or thing, living, dead, or undead is probably coincidental.