January 14, 1981 - May 24, 1999
This page will remain a memorial to her for as long as this page exists. Please send us (channel@altvampyres.net) anything you would like me to include here. Your feelings, your thoughts, your memories, pictures.
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Discussion/Rememberance
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Tribute Page from
Dok
Tribute Page from Drea
Tribute Page from
Onyx
From Persik:
I received the sad news this morning that DarkRaven died on Monday
at 4:45 pm. A friend of DarkRaven's came on the channel to let us know.
DarkRaven was on #alt.vampyres as long as I can remember. Watching her
grow up has been a source of joy and pain for all of us. I know that she
has moved on to a better place and time but I'll miss her always. I don't
believe that death is the final step, it is a new door opening. Someone
with a soul as brilliant as DarkRaven's will find some wonderful people
waiting for her. I miss you DarkRaven. I'm selfish... I would have kept
you here a while longer. Take care of yourself and remember to keep
spreading those hugs around.
From Traum:
When the pendulum swings in our direction we often choke, unable to speak
the words we should.
Our light is cupped, but our hope remains that where she landed brings her
what she needs the most.
We treasured our gift and her easy laughter. But our beautiful Raven, like all others do, had to fly.
We'll see you later, dearest Cheryl. Keep the fire warm until we join you. We miss you.
From Dok:
My first friend on the channel... a part of me goes with her. I only wish
I had met her in person.
For Cheryl, the Darkest of Ravens
From Takhisis:
Good journey, winged one.
Our love and sorrow clash in storm,
May the wind of it bear your soul swift to blessed places.
Candles and memories burn behind you,
Lighting the way before you,
Casting back your shadow for us to cling to, one last moment.
Sweet dreaming, laughing one.
We curl our arms about us tightly,
Remembering your energetic embrace and warmth of life.
And tighter still to hold the fragments in.
Your scent, your smile, flavor and voice
Resonate immortalized, fivefold within us, always.
Peaceful rest, troubled one.
We remember the clutch of the hand,
The waveform of sadness beneath your angelic visage.
We cast off the urge to blame and hurt,
To rail and grasp in loss of you.
We seek to be better, worthy of the love you gave us.
From linz:
i don't really know what to say.
i've tried to come up with something, a way of saying goodbye. but i
can't.
i can't say anything that i feel would do justice to her. she was a
wonderful friend, a beautiful person, always ready with the best hugs. i
know i don't come around irc much anymore, but it hurts to know that she's
gone, and i will miss her terribly.
From Stef-Zodiak:
as we always do dear one,
here is a quote to.
summarize.
The bitterest tears shed over graves are for
words left unsaid and deeds left undone.
-Harriet Beecher Stowe
From artemis:
"Genius Child"
This is a song for the genius child. Sing it softly, for the song is wild. Sing it softly as ever you can - Lest the song get out of hand. Nobody loves a genius child. Can you love an eagle, Tame or wild? Can you love an eagle, Wild or tame? Can you love a monster Of frightening name? Nobody loves a genius child. Kill him - and let his soul run wild.
- Langston Hughes
From Traum:
Mr. John Keats said the "poetical character": "has no self - it is every
thing and nothing - It has no character - it enjoys light and shade; it
lives in gusto, be it foul or fair, high or low, rich or poor, mean or
elevated - It has as much delight in conceiving an Iago as an Imogen. What
shocks the virtuous philosopher, delights the chameleon Poet. It does no
harm from its relish of the dark side of things any more than from its
taste
for the bright one; because the both end in speculation."
From Tiernan:
DarkRaven .... I can't believe you're gone. You always greeted me with
hugs and happy to see me you were, no matter how long I'd been absent.
I'll miss you always, my dear friend and I'll always remember you with a
warm place in my heart. I'll leave you with a quote from Dr. Martin
Luther
King, that seems so appropriate at the moment....
"Free at last, free at last ... Thank God Almighty I'm
free at last!"
Love always, Tiernan
From Icey:
I can't really think of what to say. Im gonna miss having fun trying to
sneak in without getting pouncehugged.. She will be sorely missed.
From emrys:
Portions of "Funeral Blues" by W.H. Auden
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone, Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone, Silence the pianos and with muffled drum Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come. Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead Scribbling on the sky the message [She] Is Dead, Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves, Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves. The stars are not wanted now: put out every one, Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun, Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods; For nothing now can ever come to any good.
From nightgoddess:
I sit here wearing my lei ... thinking that didn't I just talk to her a
week ago ... how long ago was that really. I couldn't say but I know it
wasn't that long, and I think that didn't she just tell me she was
talking to me from sf, from her boyfriends, and that she was really
happy. didn't I just tell her I had wondered where she'd been, that I
missed seeing her smiling happy words float by my view. float by is the
right way to say it though. I didn't know dr well, she's someone I
always smile about when I said her name. she's someone I think of with
*tacklehugs* overlaying the thought.
and then today I get a message "did you hear the news?" and no I hadn't, so I ask what ... not having any idea what I'm asking. my first thought is that's just unreal, it can't be ... all those phrases of "what happened?" "why her?" "why now?" flash across my mind, and then the messenger says "suicide" ... somehow I already knew, as soon as I heard she was gone I felt something deep snap and I knew, and wish I knew why, then the phrases come again "what could someone have done?" "could I have said something?" "what happened?"
None of it matters, all the phrases, they're just phrases. All that matters is that everything I knew of dr was sweet and endearing and wonderful, and that the thought of her makes me smile. All that matters is she is gone. All that matters is I'll miss her.
From Omnedon:
I had never met anyone who was so brilliant at such a young age. I remember
being so impressed with her years ago. It took some time for her to
convince me she was 14 then. It is wrong that brilliance doesn't help
someone survive, and seems most often to do the opposite. But there it is.
I still cannot grasp that she is gone. And she was such a decent person...
And she was... Hell, you all know.
Her absence leaves a Darkness of a kind that cannot be filled.
I'm still crying, and I hadn't even talked to her recently. I had thought
she would always be there.
From chica:
I hope you are free, wherever you are. We'll miss you terribly.
Always,
From Ravan:
This tradgedy hits every member of the channel hard, and i know it took
everyone by surprise.
I'm somewhere between confusion and sadness. I'm not really sure right now
which one I am.
I will always concider Cheryl my little sister and luv her with the heart of
a Ravan!
Keep the little one's warm.
See you on the other side Cheryl...
Goodbye Cheryl, keep the little Raven's warm
From Dreamy:
~In sadness~
From grendel_:
sadly, grendel_
From Trickster:
There is more that I'd like to say, but I wouldn't know where or how to
begin. I just wish I hadn't drifted away from the channel so much lately,
that I'd spoken to her more, that I'd had the chance to say something
special to her that she could take with her to her next stop on her
journey. You will be missed, dear Raven.
From Dellamorte:
Is it too late to show that I give a damn, I wonder?
From Gabriel:
Deep in mourning,
From ryssa:
-ryssa
From Ginger: You are
such an amazing person. The way you would join the channel and make it a
point to hug EVERYONE who was in the room. So caring and thoughtful.
Always trying to do the right thing and be there for everyone. I feel
like I failed you somehow. Arg I don't even know what to say. I have
all of these emotions running through me. Sadness, disbelief. Hurt,
Anger, Love, Friendship. *sigh* I wish I could have just hugged you.
Been there for you. You are in my heart. I will never ever forget you.
I love you girl. Forever.
-Ginger/Epiphonic
From JaneEnvy:
From Cripster:
From Mr Frost:
Fly free Dark Raven..
From Lyonene:
From Morpheus_:
Morpheus_ aka
Joseph Martinez
From bleak:
The bad thing about suicide is that nobody gets to say goodbye properly.
I wish you good luck and success the next time around.
Robert Drake
From Screams:
It's a shame that it took this to bring me back for
a visit. Many of you don't know me, and those of you who
do probably dislike me even after all of this time, but I
felt that I had to say something about the young woman
I loved.
-----
From zyzzyva:
By far my fondest memories of you are from Con last year. You were
what made it really great for me. I can remember your coming up to me as
soon as i got there, staying with me the whole night to make sure i
didn't get too lonely. We ended up spending the whole night together,
and it was wonderful. And now whenever anyone mentions Atlanta, that's
all i can think about. I don't know how i'll get by this year without
you.
If there was only one word i could use to describe you, it would
have to be pure. Everything you did and showed was purity in essence,
from your dark, stream-of-consciousness letters to your charming, if
naive, questions ("is Budweiser goth?" ;) to your deep and passionate
kisses. Yes, you're easily the best kisser i've ever been with. A true
natural. I wish i could have told you then that i love you.
I wish that there was more i could say. So many thoughts swell in my
head, but i can't find ways to express my grief. I can see now why so
many people believe in an afterlife, because the alternative is simply
unthinkable. Whatever may be the case, i hope that you've found peace,
and that you can continue doing what you did all your life: making the
world a better place for all those around you.
love, liam/zyzzyva
From Kesudar:
From Samantha (from #depression):
From Spyce:
Though I have not been around in a long time and even though I had myself
removed from the group, you will always be one of my favourite memories of
my first internet family. I have only regret about leaving #Alt.V and
that is that I did not get the chance to tell you goodbye. I was being
selfish and afraid and snuck away without saying a word to anyone because
of something that is now buried deep inside me. I wish I could have
shared more secrets with you, for you are truly an amazing person. I will
miss you sorely, my sweet little dark raven.
You are forever in my memories.
Sherri ~reah~spyce~
From Athame:
Thou hast but taken thy lamp and gone to bed; I stay a little longer, as
one stays to cover up the embers that continue to burn--Henry Wadsworth
Longfellow, "Three Friends of Mine"
From Execution:
I drink to you, and in your honor.
From archangel:
Our friend took her life away from us and we are angry and
saddened and left only with the ageless question. She died of the
ancient plague, where medicines did not reach. We thought she
stood on such firm ground, as our friendship and love assumed. But
now our hearts reel, out of balance, as we search for the lost
good place, of solid embrace and shared good times. We thought we
stood on such firm ground, as our thoughts and physics assumed.
But our thoughts are leaden and drop as our physics comes undone.
We did not know her secret heart or where that heart yearned
to be. All we can know is what she is, to each of us in our own
secret hearts.
From Moonwolf:
From Kashie:
Dear Cheryl,
Hey Cheryl, how was that? If he/she/it gives you any problems, just
send em to me. I'll take care of em. :)
Ps. And I know there's a sexie waitin fer ya, too. Have fun. ;)
part two.
I've spent the past few days trying to forget. When i found out, i told
you
how i felt, i wrote to you for hours and hours. It just doesn't seem like
enough.
DR,
I will miss your ready smiles and hugs. Nothing I say will do you
justice...but just saying something can sometimes start the healing. I want
to turn back time, to get a chance to talk to you before you did it. I want
to tell you that you are loved and respected and that you had everything in
front of you. That the pain can be overcome. That I have been there, and I
wouldn't wish it on anyone. That we need you.
Jia/chica
I'm not really sure what to say or what to think. I'm surprised that Cheryl
would go to this extreme and end her life. I never met Cheryl in real life,
but thats certainly not how it feels. A few years ago, I adopted Yakko
(Justin) and Darkraven (Cheryl) as my little brother and sister. In alot of
ways, it feels like i've lost a family member and it's hard to accept the
fact that she isn't coming back.
The bodies are lied on piles of wood
people gather for one last look
The pain, the suffering that they endure
will last a life time thats for sure
The tourches are lite, the cerimony begins.
The cries and screams, the confusion and anger
"Why, Why, Why!!" Scream the parents, the friends
Why did it all have to end.
No ones for sure, no one knows why, everyone knows the dead don't lie
The tourches are handed out like hand fulls of candy
Only to those worthy, who been given the right.
The piles of wood are drenched in gas
this will ensure the fire will last
burn the body to free the soul
call upon the Raven to carry it home.
I may not have known dr long but she was always someone who could bring a smile
to my face.....
Through the darkest parts of this life,
She shone brighter than the sun
Tho her name suggested darkness
She radiated warmth
I will miss the fluttering of the ravens wings
and the neverending laughter.
The prospect of a *tacklehug*
whenever she was around.
Tim
i haven't even been on channel nearly as much as i used to, but darkraven's
death has still affected me profoundly. she had this gift of making people
feel welcome.. i will sorely miss that. i wanted to make something in her
honor.. but i don't think i could.. nothing good or productive could ever
come of this.. we have all lost a dear friend.. i'm just glad i
got to know her a little bit.
Well, I've sat since I heard the news last night, trying to think of
something to say, and everything seems inadequate. For someone named
"dark," Cheryl brought a lot of light into the channel, and it will be a
darker place without her. Her virtual smiles, her cheer, her friendliness
will all be sorely missed. I couldn't believe the news when I read it, and
it still feels just _not right_.
to use what must be, by now, a tired old phrase, this is the last
thing I expected to hear today. I don't know if I can say much of
anything that will come off how I want it to, and, more
importantly, anything I say now is too late anyway. Such a sweet
girl she was, and looking back now, it was wonderful to see what
a good woman she was becoming. I didn't know her as well as
perhaps I should have. Now, knowing that I'll never get the
chance to talk with her and learn more about her, I feel as if I
took her for granted. She made her decision, and it was hers to
make, I just hope she made the right one, and that this selfish
feeling of guilt I have for taking her life for granted and being
too late in acknowledging her place in my life will teach me
something.
Nevertheless, I still do.
*hugs back at you, for a change*
Dellamorte/Lashr
Hark, said the Raven, nevermore. Never again will I be able to see the
beaming face of this 'o so gentle and sweet individual or for any of us
again to have her bouncing around "lei-ing" everyone in turn. For the
most part I am at a loss for words to say about this tragic turn of events.
It might be selfish of me to say that it's just not right she was just
ripped from the lives of all those around her, but I say so because she
brought wonder and happiness to all and I for one never saw a long face
when she was around. All in all, you will be missed deeply and dearly
Cheryl. Spread your wings and fly young Raven, dare to touch the sky in
thoughtless bliss as you soar onward in the heavens as only one so free as
yourself may.
Gabriel
dr:
right now i have few words. later, as always, i will write volumes, and burn them so that you can read them. but for now, only a few things (some of which may bring disapproval from those who read this, but then, it wasn't meant for them, now was it?):
1) i still hug faster.
2) i'm quite angry at you, and i think you know why.
3) i wanted you to meet him, dammit.
4) there is no number four.
5) fare thee well, dear. you know i love you.
Cheryl,
DR,
I really wish I could have met you at least once. You were always someone
I looked forward to talking to, so refreshingly fun, bright and creative.
I am in shock. I know things can be awful in life many times, but there
are always other options, and it makes me sad that you took the most
extreme one. You are one of the rare ones in life that I have met who are
truly promising in so many ways. The world is darker for your departure,
we needed more like you. I wish I could have been around to talk to you.
Where ever you are now I hope you have found peace and an eternal respite
from pain. I will never forget you.
Love always,
JaneEnvy/Apoleia/Perdition
So close...yet so far away. I wish I had gotten to meet her while she
was in Boston. We were only a few hours away but never got together.
I'll miss DR even though I didn't know her well. So here's to DR, see
you on the other side...
I don't know where I have been in the last 48 hours, but I just received
the news a few minutes ago. I'm speechless. I just don't know what to
say. I can't really put what I am thinking or feeling into words. I have
had a few people that were very close to me in person taken from me, and
even though I never met Cheryl in person, the loss is just as great. On
Tuesday I had this strange feeling that something had happened or was
going to happen. The weather was also very cold and grey... and
raining... hard. I will always remember the conversations we had in the
channel. I will miss her dearly..
~Omnia Mutantur, Nihil Interit.~
Numb. Its the only way for me to describe it. I'd heard about it from
Merlin and I went numb. I normally have no problem hearing of a death,
being as i believe it to be a new beginning, but this one struck a cord.
She was a dear friend to me, and one of the few people who could probably
say that she knew me better than most people. I have so many things
running
through my head right now, but no way to express them. I guess first of
all
I'm a bit upset. Not necessarily with DR, but with myself for not being
able to talk to her more recently. Maybe I would have seen it coming.
Maybe. I'll never know. I'm sad, but not because I miss her, but because
She had so much to offer the world. Everything from her smile, to her
ability to shoot from the hip, to her understanding soul. I wish i could
give her a hug right now, but I'm just going to have to wait a while
longer.
Until then DR, who was one of the firsts to perch upon my head in the
rafters, much love, pouncehuggles, and snogs. See you on the other side.
Cheryl,
Nevermore
I was night,
But she was my darkness,
And the memories of our time together
Are lost like shadows
Dancing upon the ebony
Of my heart.
I loved her
Like only I can
Until the time came
For her to soar free
Far beyond the reach
Of my tragedy and sorrow.
I don't think
She ever looked back,
And I can't say I blame her.
I choke on tears
The color of midnight
As I finally realize
That my beloved and beautiful
Darkraven will fly
Nevermore.
Screams
May 27, 1999
Cheryl...even now it hurts to say the name of the person
who went out of her way to reach me. Me, the moody and bitter
shell of a man who had loved and lost...and could never forget
the pain or despair it caused. She said that it was my sad and
tragic nature that stirred her feelings. She wanted to touch me,
to reach me, to heal me, and so our relationship began.
We were not together very long when you look at it in some ways,
but it was enough for me to know how I feel. At the end, she told me
that she just couldn't deal with my hopelessness any longer, and I
couldn't make her understand that I truly was happy with her...or at
least as happy as I get. So she left me, and true to form, I used it
to add to my pain. But I never became angry with her, and I never forgot.
One of the last times we spoke, I told her that I still loved her, and
she didn't seem to believe it. It tore me up inside for her to doubt my
feelings that way, but I eventually came to terms with it. After all, as
long as I knew how I felt about her, what else could matter?
I didn't need to say it for her because I felt it deep down inside.
In so many ways, I wish I had told her one last time. Make no
mistake,
I do love her. I still feel that passion within myself. It's right there
next to its new neighbor, guilt.
I am in the process of writing some other poems for/about Cheryl. These
are
a bit more personal, and I won't post them here. If any of you would like
to
read them, e-mail me at Screams97@hotmail.com. At this point, I am all too
willing to share.
For the past three days i've been wandering around as if in a trance,
going on with my life and not really believing it, as if this were all
some cruel hoax and soon enough we'll see your happy, bubbly self come
scurrying across the channel once again. I wish for this more than
anything, but i know deep down that it can never be true.
To DarkRaven
Dearest Cheryl,
Well, what can I say that everyone else hasn't already said?
I could say goodbye, but it's not really a goodbye is it.
I could say that I'll miss you, which I will.
I could ask 'Why?', but I already know the answer to that.
Cheryl, I've had the pleasure of meeting you once. I can only
wish it was a thousand times more so.
You brightened up my face when you greeted me, no matter what kind of
disposition I was in.
I just heard the news tonight that you've left us. But you really
didn't do that, did you. I wasn't sure what or how to feel when
I heard...just overwhelmingly shocked. Thousands of things ran
through my mind....and I was angry at myself. Eventhough people tell
me that there was nothing I could have done. But there was. I -know-
that. If only I could have been there to talk to you. To say something.
To hear. To see. But I wasn't. And now...
On the channel, you greeted me with *hugs* and a dazzling smile.
In real life, you did the very same thing.
It reached down into me and cut through the walls I had carefully
placed around myself. It shatered the windows that I was constanly
looking at the rest world through. For that, dear DarkRavan, I thank you.
You and I talked about things that no one else seemed to understand.
You did. Every one in the channel was touched by you. I am proud to say
that I was among them.
Dark is the path me sometimes walk.
Sharp are the pains that catch us on our way.
You were there to help guide.
You were there to help heal.
May you fly quickly to where you are going, Cheryl...DarkRavan.
Until I see you again there,
-Michael Leigh- (Kesudar)
I never even knew her first name... she was always eriss to me. She was
sweet and fun to talk to. I only found out that she had a webpage now
that she is gone, and looking over it, there is so much I wish I could
talk to her about. We had more in common than I knew, she liked Danny
Elfman and Vladimir Nobokov, just like I do. I never saw a picture of
her before today, and she is more beautiful than I could have imagined.
I wish I could talk to her again.
Dearest DR
I just learned today that Cheryl aka Darkraven has travelled on through to
the Gateway of Death. The memory of her will forever remain dear to me.
Maybe now we will all hear with clarity.
I received your sad announcement today. A friend brought a
print-out of your alt.v posting. I was stunned by the news,
although I had not had correspondence with her for some time. I
did not know she was so young.
May the road rise to meet you;
May the wind always be at your back;
May the sun shine warm upon your face.
May the rain fall soft upon your fields and until we meet again
May the Goddess hold you in the palm of her hand.
well, i promised her i wouldn't do this. yea, i'm a liar.
whatever. i wrote the first part of this when i found out, i wrote the
other part tonight. post whatever you want, i don't really care since she
already knows or will never know. i just want to send it for some strange
reason. so i'm a weirdo, fuck off.
keep in mind, the first part was before i found out it was suicide.
sorry, i don't mean ta be rude to you, it's just hard being nice to anyone
lately.
I hate cheesy memorial shit, and I'm sure you probably do too. I'm
also not the type to believe in an afterlife, but this time I'm hoping I'm
wrong. I'm hoping you're still somewhere out there, watching us, and I'm
hoping you can see me right now as I'm writing this.
Our sense of humor has always been similar - very dark, very cynical.
I know if I were you, I'd find all this webpage crap funny, and I'm
hoping
you do too. So laugh, wherever you are, and know how many people miss you
and love you.
When I first came to #alt.vampyres, you were there for me. I was the
little 14 year old, but you were too. I think we both used the channel as
an
escape from our lives, from high school, no?
Ah, what a perfect opportunity to move on to Simon's Rock. You were
the one that told me about it. You showed me around when I came for my
interview, you let me and Joe stay with you when we visited - in other
words, I couldn't have done it without you. Warning. Cheezy part goes
here.
You changed my life. I don't think I ever told you how much I appreciated
that.
You're a smart girl. Too smart, maybe. You understood everything a
little too clearly to be ok with it. I feel like a bitch for not chilling
with you more while you were at school. As you said, many times, I was too
busy with my "possee". I could yap about that, make up excuses, but there
really are none. It's my loss.
Let me talk about the time that we *did* chill, instead. Dragon con.
Ok, we didn't chill much at the con - I was too busy living it up in my
post-breakup haze, but I think the company you found wound up being alot
more fun than I could have been, eh? ;) What's on my mind right now is the
night afterwards, when we caught the plane to nyc and waited outside of
penn
station all night as I wrote cheezy poetry and you did your homework.
Surrounded by bags, not moving an inch except to go inside and go to the
bathroom, we looked like a bunch of runaways. I had fun, though. The stuff
we discussed was... deep. Ok, I warned you this was going to be cheesy.
But
anyways, you understood what I was saying, and I understood what you were
saying, and I doubt most of the other 8 million idiots in the area would
have if they had heard it. It was a good night. When I think of you,
that's
the girl I think of, the girl from that night were we talked and talked
and said everything that we needed to say but couldn't find someone to
tell it
to.
So what am I saying? I don't even know, so don't feel bad if you're
not following this ramble. I guess I'll repeat myself to emphasize it.
You're a smart girl. This is not a happy world for smart people to live
in.
That's why I'm being such a bad atheist right now and hoping that you're
out
there somewhere. It doesn't seem fair, otherwise.
Intelligence. If you have alot, you get everything. If you have too
much, you don't. Why? Because people are stupid. You deserve better. You
deserve to live in a place where you're free to use your gift, and live a
long, happy life with lots of people who love you. This wasn't it. That's
why I'm glad you're gone, because of the chance that now, you're happy.
I'm
only sad for selfish reasons, because I miss you, because the world I'm
still in could have benefited from you, because it hurts to realize that
this world is so unfair. But everyone missed out on their chance. There
has
to be something better for you. And if anyone says otherwise, just send em
to me, I'll kick their ass for ya.
I want to keep talking about that, but I'm only going to repeat
myself at this point. So instead, I'll describe to you the world I hope
you're living in (and hey, God, if yer there, keep this in mind. It's a
good
idea.) For some reason, it looks a bit like Simon's Rock, only *gasp!* the
tri-dorm area has been transformed into a small town, and it has clubs,
pool
halls, beaches, and everything you could ever wish for out of a city. Only
you don't live there, you live up at the mods with 3 close friends.
Classes
are optional and there are no requirements, so you can take whatever you
want, whenever you want it. Grades don't exist - you're only learning what
you want to. And the classes get more and more advanced as you keep
learning. Without all the stress of school, I'm sure it would be easy for
you. You can learn everything there is to know, if you want, and if you
don't want to, then you don't have to. You spend most of your days sitting
around, yapping about the meaning of life or whatever's on your mind, and
for some reason, I get the feeling that you'll find the answer. You can
find
the answer to anything in this place - not because it's magical or
whatever,
just because you've been given the chance to think it out. Just so you
don't get bored there, of course, there's tons of parties, and don't
forget, your
own private city-type-town. And tons of play. And you're deleriously
happy.
Maybe it's too earthlike. Maybe the "after-life" is more traditional,
with angels and white dresses (don't try to tell me they're togas), and
all
that crap. I guess what I'm describing here is what *this* world should
have
been like for you. You deserved better. Did I say that already? Let me say
it again. You deserved better. There. Now at least there'll be no
confusion.
I feel like I understand you, even though I barely knew you. And I
barely knew you because in alot of ways, I'm one of these stupid earth
people. I just hope you know that. You're a cool kid and I missed out on
what could have been a valuable, fun, eye-opening friendship for me. *I*
missed out, not you, since *I* was the asshole. But even so, I love ya
hon.
And you deserve better friendships than I could have offered, being a
stupid
person and all. Which is why I'm hoping you're in a place where people
aren't as stupid.
Let me say, once again, I hope you're reading this and laughing at
me. I'm all sad, everyone's all sad... but we shouldn't be, and we know
it.
And I don't want you to be dragged down by all of our mourning bullshit.
Watch, laugh, and be happy, because that's what you deserve, after all.
Ok, so if I was writing a story or an essay or something, I should
stop talking now. I missed a few good endings. I should edit this,
probably
cut it down to half the length it is now. But I won't. So this isn't going
to be a masterpiece, so what? I'm not writing this so that other people
will
read it and think "oh gee how eloquent! she's such a good writer!". I'm
writing to you, and to everyone else who reads this, I don't know... maybe
to make them realize what a cool person you were, and what we all miss out
on every day. So maybe someone won't make the same mistake I did. This is
my
way of thinking things through, and so maybe I won't make the same mistake
again. So what if that won't help *you*? You're deleriously happy now,
remember? I wish I could change the past, but since I can't, you're just
going to have to make up for it by enjoying your next life. No. You don't
have a choice. I'm not giving you one. Be happy. So, nyah! :P
Alright. Here's a little interlude. God, since I'm believing in you
for the moment, I wanna have a little talk with you. Oh, by the way, for
those Christians and other crazy religious folk out there reading this,
you'll probably get offended. Because I'm a big bad atheist, because I'm
not
going to show proper respect for our Holy Father, blahblahblah. And you
know
what? You can fuck off. I'm having a religious moment, you can be happy
with
that.
So anyways, here it goes. And I'm appologizing to Cheryl, because I'm
getting into my own personal beliefs, I'm thinking about me, but hey kid,
you're deleriously happy, so there's no need to worry about you. *hugs*
And
keep laughing, because I'm doing something I never thought I would do.
Dear God(s)/Higher Being(s)/Creature(s) from the 12th
Dimension/Jesus/Allah/Buddah/Whoever the **** You Are,
I just bleeped out a curse word. I won't continue to. If all the
religious folk on this planet are right, I'm already going to Hell/A Bad
Place/be reborn as a Worm/or whatever other bad punishment you can think
of. So this probably won't make much of a difference. And it *is*
respectful in my own little way - but of course, you probably know that.
So if you really love all your creatures for who they are, love me for who
I am, and if you don't, then fuck off. Hey, that was pretty gutsy, wasn't
it? Especially since now, I actually believe that you exist. Ah well. You
know who I am, and you know how I act. Like I said, forgive it or fuck off
(what an ultimatum, eh? if you're gonna hate me, there's nothing I can do
about it anyways. you can fuck off, but I can suffer for all eternity. oh
well.)
Off topic? Yes it is. I'll get to my point eventually. I don't know
what the fuck you're trying to do here, and I got shit to say to you about
it. I don't know who you are. I don't know if you're good or bad, nice or
malicious. But it doesn't matter, because if you're an asshole, I'm dammed
for all eternity anyways, like I've already said. And no, I won't repent.
It's hard to grow up not believing in you. I don't think my parents
do, really. There weren't many meeting houses nearby, but good, religious
members of the Society of Friends would have found a way if they really
thought it mattered. But I don't think they thought it did. I don't know
much about my father's religious background, but as a Quaker, my mom was
taught of a loving, forgiving god. And I think that somewhere, deep
inside, she still believes in you. I think we all do, somewhere. You may
not really exist, but we need to believe that you do. It makes us feel
better when things go wrong to know that there's a reason, to know that if
we get screwed over in this life, that it'll be better in the next, and to
know that when we lose a friend, that they're ok. We all want to live
forever, and by believing in an afterlife, we think we can.
A god such as the one i've described would forgive her for not
schlepping an hour away every Firstday to sit in a room full of people and
reflect on life. A god such as the one i've described would know that she
does that every day anyway, and that someone doesn't have to actively,
officially worship you to respect you. Someone doesn't even have to
believe in you. Who's better? Someone who lives a sinless life, who never
harms another human being, who gives and gives to make other people's
lives better, or some Catholic who goes to church every sunday, hates gays
and blacks and hispanics and everyone who isn't a rich white male?
If you answered the second, then you can stop reading and fuck off. I
can't respect a god like that, and once again, I'd already be screwed. But
the god that everyone needs to believe in isn't that. Most religions teach
that, though. Fear. Opiate of the masses. But they're hypocrites because
at the same time, they try to appeal to the side of us that believes that
you're good and universally forgiving. You should be. And not just
forgiving because of a few Hail Marys. If someone is truly a good person,
you should know that, no matter what they believe.
So I'm going to assume yer a good god. That's where I get confused.
Why? Why would you make so many people suffer in this world? Is it a test?
Do I at least get to study? Just give me an allnighter and some drugs to
keep me awake, ok? Remember, you're a good god now. That was a joke.
Laugh. Although, if you want to give me drugs anyway, you can.
I think I'm a good person. I do alot of stuff that humans have
deemed "bad", I'm fucking up my body, and I'm not spending 100% of my time
developing this brain that you gave me - instead I'm busy killing brain
cells. So I'm not being as "good" as I can be. But what is good? Should I
get a 4.0, transfer to Harvard, work 9 to 5, make millions and give it all
to charity? I'd be miserable, you know. I do what I do to cope. I'm trying
to enjoy my life. Is that good or bad according to you? Which brings me,
finally, to my point. Are we supposed to be happy or miserable? If we're
supposed to be happy, why do you make it so hard for some of us? Why are
we living in a world where someone like Cheryl, who had a ridiculous
amount of intelligence, energy and love to offer, gets screwed over? In
the past year I've seen things like this happen over and over again, I
learned that the world isn't fair. Why is that? Why do some of the
smartest people I know have to go to community colleges because they can't
afford the kind of school I'm going to? Why am I getting more
opportunities than 90% of the kids I grew up with? Because I'm a middle
class kid from a working class neighborhood. And a part of me *wants* to
get that 4.0 and transfer to Harvard, just because I have that opportunity
and they don't. Why do the most talented people I know have to lose their
chance at greatness? Why do people have to die early, when they have
everything going for them, and why do others have to suffer through life
because they're living on a world that isn't good enough for them?
It isn't hard to believe in you now, because my personal belief
system has always had a spot for you. Maybe I didn't think of you as a god
type, but hey, it was close enough. Close enough to the Quaker god, at
least. Yes, I believe that everyone is inherently good. I get pissy
sometimes, and I pre-judge people every day, according to how they look,
dress, walk, talk, you name it, I'm an asshole about it. But everytime
I've gotten over that and had a real, heart to heart with a person, I've
realized that they were good people. Every single one of them. So I love
everyone in a way, and try not to hurt them.
I'm not saying that I always suceed. Like I just said, I'm still an
asshole in alot of ways. I'm no better than anyone else when it comes to
being nice to others. Just because I believe something doesn't mean I
always practice it. I can't have a heart to heart with everyone, yanno,
and sometimes its hard to believe that if I did, I would realize that this
is a good person.
I do hurt people, intentionally or not. Sure, when it comes to
physical violence, my slate is clean, but that shit is nothing compared to
the kind of hurt that comes from mean looks, words, or no words at all.
I prejudged Cheryl. Not really directly, but I judged her by her
friends, and I got caught up in stupid social, "who's cooler than who"
games. I had the heart to heart, and I realized that I liked her, that she
was not only a good person, she was one of the best. That's the reason I
feel like I wronged her more than anyone else - because even after I
learned that she was cool, I still didn't take advantage of that.
But I'm just one person. This is a whole world of assholes you've
got here, and I think we all wronged her. She didn't belong here with us
assholes. And for that, I lay the blame on you.
So here's my conclusion. All the people that were hurt, you'd
better be taking care of them. You'd better make it up to them, because
you screwed them over. Not directly, but hey, this is your world, isn't
it? Maybe it's fine and dandy for some, but for others, it just plain
sucks. So you'd better be doing something about that. And now Cheryl's in
your hands. Now's your chance to make it right. She's a good person, just
as good or better than anyone else. Judge her on that, if you must judge.
I'm trusting you for the first time in my life, so don't let me down. You
let her down. Now fix it.
Much Love,
Andrea
I'm gonna say goodbye now. It's about time, eh? I'm sorry for
taking
so much of your time that could have been spent doing whatever yer doing
over there, but hey, you have forever to enjoy it. And that's what I
expect
you to do. Forget about all of us here on earth and enjoy your new life.
Maybe we'll join you someday, or at least visit. Maybe I'll OD tomorrow
and
see you again, maybe I wont be able to stay because I don't deserve as
much
eternal bliss as you do. But it's all good. As long as you *do* get what
you
deserve, then it's all good. Maybe by the next time we meet, I'll be
mature
enough to appreciate you, maybe someday I'll even be as mature as you were
at the ripe old age of 18. Maybe someday I'll be deserving of you. Hey, I
warned you. At least this isn't written on the inside of a Hallmark card.
Here's something I haven't wanted to think about until now. Maybe I
was right all along, and the "goodness" that I always believed in instead
of
god is all there is. Maybe this is all there is. I might just be talking
to
myself because you can't hear, because you're gone. And if that's true...
I
can't even think of the words to express how pissed off I'd be. I think
I've
finally found something that I can't put into words. So I can't think that
way. I have to believe that you're ok, better than ok. I have to believe
that your life wasn't wasted. By wasted, I don't mean that you didn't
"live
up to your potential" or any of that crap. I mean that you weren't given a
chance to be happy. You didn't waste your life, this whole world, the way
it's set up... that's who wasted it. We missed out, and you missed out
because, once again, we're all a bunch of assholes and idiots. You were
too
good for us. And you deserve better.
Andrea
I told you i wouldn't cry, but i'm sorry, i couldn't help it. i dont even
know what to say now, except that i need to say *something* more, even
though i've said everything I can think of.
I cursed out god, and i told him/her/it what an asshole he/she/it was for
hurting you. And then i said "that's it. there's no more to say."
and there isn't, really, which is why what i'm writing here is such
bullshit. but as i said in the letter to you the other night, i'm *still*
not ready to say goodbye, i guess.
whatever i can say to you here means nothing, since you either already
know
or will never know, but i keep yappin.
so fuck off everyone. this is gonna be rude, but fuck off.
why the hell would you do that? i know we've discussed this before, and
the
conclusion was that there was always something to hang on for, always, at
the very least, a hope.
so you're probably deleriously happy in the after-life, or there is no
after-life and you've ceased to exist. that's a risk that you took. and
right now i'm pissed at you for taking that risk.
i'm pissed off at you for making so many people unhappy, im pissed off at
you for not realizing that we all cared about you this much. But most of
all, i'm pissed off at myself for not realizing it myself. and i'm pissed
off at all of us for not MAKING you realize it.
so you're gone, and the only hope i have is in believing that there's
something better out there for you, for the first time in my life. And
I'm
pissed at you for making me believe in god for the first time, and then
making me doubt him for the first time.
i miss you, i love you, i wish you were here, and fuck. i hope i was
wrong
all along. god, i hope you're up there somewhere, and if you are, you
best
be takin care of my friend, even if she was an idiot by doing this. cause
she's good people. too good, in alot of ways.
she deserves to be happy, now, even if she was an idiot. so make her
happy.
fix everything that you've fucked up, make it up to her that the world
was
so unfair to her. make it right, because she didnt get a chance here, and
you know that.
and back ta cheryl. i'm sorry im buggin out again, and i'm sorry that i
finally cried. but i have no choice but ta hope tht yer out there
somewhere
reading this, and that's your fault, so, in other words, you have to deal
with my hysterics. but, even though i want to send a big FUCK YOU out ta
ya, you know i don't really mean it. i love ya, kid, and i miss ya.
and i promised i wouldn't send a goodbye to the alt.v page. but you knew
all along that i'd bugg out eventually, so there's no need to appologize.
there's really no need to appologize for anything, because, as far as i'm
concerned, you're deleriously happy now. and, once again, if she's not,
god, we got a problem cause i gonna kick your ass.